Angst, angst, angst... I found an old journal entry from a diary I was keeping late last summer. It was something short and angsty, but around this time of the month, I'm always thinking about it. Don't click the expansion if you don't want to deal with my dramas.

( Sunday April 4, 2010 )

 I've been thinking lately about my changing relationship with my ( mother. )

Memorable event... memorable event... you know, I think I'm going to have to agree with my sister on this one- it's hard for me to pick just one event in my life that's worth talking about. I have a collection of memories for my whole life. Brief flashes of things that have happened, good or bad, that make up my all of my memory.

I can't remember the first time I rode a horse, but I do remember changing my favorite animal from dogs to horses the next time I was asked, without thinking twice. I remember the freedom of galloping for the first time, but it was a brief thing, and I was too shocked to really comprehend what was happening until it was over. Nither memory really has what it takes to be 'the most memorable'.

Finding good, thought provoking books to read is memorable. I've read so many that strike me in ways I never knew books could. But, books are not like living, and as touching and lesson-teaching as they are, they are memorable, but not in a way that is 'most memorable'. Reading a good book, to me, is like absorbing part of it into who you are, and how you think. It's not so much a created memory, as a self-discovery and change.

I remember music, performing and listening to it. Music gives me time to think of stories, places where the music has been, and where it might be going- but each song is different, and I've listened to so much, I can't say that music, either, is my most memorable memory.

My friends- my dear, sweet, friends. I love them, and while we create so many cherished moments together, I don't think of anything with them as my most memorable moment either. Some, I will admit, though, are among my fondest memories. Going to the Renaissance festival with all of my friends, dressed in costumes, and speaking like pirates. Taking drives (And getting kidnapped by) Anne W, seeing white deer and taking pictures of beautiful scenes I would otherwise never have seen. Going on School trips, in south padre and Mexico with orchestra friends, and seeing DC with Choir friends. Traveling alone to places far from home, like Indiana, and California- and the sense of accomplishment and independence i felt. Going with my sister overseas for the first time.

But like my sister, all these memories are dilluted by time and other memories. I cannot imidiately recal my age at the times of these events, cannot remember the names or all the faces. Pictures help, but I'm a poor photographer at best, and don't like my faces in pictures anyway. I am easily bored when thinking about the past- and i am much more motivated by the possibility of future memory collecting.

I like to experience everything at least once. In my life, my self awareness has been shaped by a web of interlocking moments, that while separate of each other, influence each other. I thought about it a lot, once, and trying to see my life for all the pieces in it nearly drove me crazy sometimes. Other times, not so much. In any case, I think because of that, it's hard for me to label one memory over another as the most memorable.

Savi.

Gun to my head: I think my favorite memory is driving home with my dad after school for a semester of college. I was living at home, and he worked only a few blocks away from my university. I got out of class just shortly before he was off the clock at work, and I would walk to his office everyday, and sit quietly while he finished the last of his work. Together we walked to his car, and drove home in Austin's God awful traffic. We talked about little things, and as often as I could keep up, in spanish.

It was only a little time after we took up this tradition, that my father walked into my room one evening and asked me, "Why do you never ask about your family history on our drives home?" I thought about the honest answer to that question, and it was somewhere between, 'its never occured to me' and 'I've never really cared'. Little things like being asked a question like that though, cause for a person to care, a lot, in my case.

Ever since I've tried more and more to speak in spanish with anyone who will listen, and when my parents come talking about the past, I try to listen, and learn. It is a small, insignificant memory, but its one that I personally believed changed who I was in small, insignificant ways. For the betterment of my relationship with my father, my mother, and my past.

What better way to spend the wee morning hours than blogging?-- I hope you're right, Anne W, because I'm trying it.

Nothing much happening in Savannah Land. I just celebrated my 22nd b-day last month, and that was cool. Like last year there was a whole host of music events and other such things going on in the weekend, so while I didn't have to do much "work" work, I DID spend a lot of my time at the music school and in rehersal. My parents were really sweet, and attended the concert we had that weekend, and they brought my grandmother and one of my cousins as well, Ian also drove up from San Antonio with his girlfriend, Christel. It was so nice of everyone to come! There wasn't a lot by way of gifts, which is fine with me, Christel got Bri and Me some good comic books, we also recieved jewlery, and money. The weekend overall was nice, not as restful as it could have been, but really nice.

For the 'celebration' part of our birthday, Bri and I decided to go see Kick Ass with our family. It was hilarous! Disgusting, but hilarious. If you don't mind really racy humor, this movie is for you! I liked it because Superheroes are my thing, and the little girl kicks the most ass. Other good movie I've recently seen? How to Train your Dragon. If you have the option of seeing that in 3D, DO IT. There's nothing super "POP" out at you cheesy, the 3D rather gives the effect of a really deep world. The story is cute, and the dragons are like kitties.

Finals are this week, and I've been keeping busy with that. I was lucky, and able to exempt myself from one of my finals, which left me with three to actually TAKE, Theory III, Aural III, and Piano II. This morning (8am, ew!) I was in my Theory classroom starting up the final which will basically determine my grade in the class. I'm terrified I didn't do well, because the final in there basically has the power to raise (Or lower) one's grade by 20 points. Dangerous stuff, that. But, I have a feeling I did well, maybe not perfect, but well enough to pass. Tomorrow is my Aural exam, and that, for sure, I'm not looking forward to. I have problems with Aural, I can't hear intervals all that well, but I'm certainly doing better now than I used to, so I'm thankful for that.

My voice jury was on Wed. Sometimes I think I'm not really suited for this singing thing, but then I have a good day, and I feel like flying. The jury itself went well, the poor judges were so tired of juries that they only asked for one song from everyone in our time frame. Cory sang "Dan' gum' gove'ment'" Hehe. I say "The Mermaid's Song", which is actually one of my least favorite pieces in my repertoire this semester, but Mr. Michaels suggested it, and who am I to say I know better? To celebrate the end of Juries, Anne and I drove out to Gruene, TX, a short drive down hunter road from San Marcos. It's a little town, where antiques and boutiques breed like bunnies. One of my favorite things there, is a wine shop. We get three free tastings, and then we sat outside to polish off some full glasses. It was a wonderful day, and Anne has some photos up on FB you people can check out if you're interested.

It's late, and I have an exam tomorrow. G'night, All!

Savi

Feeling crummy today. I think my body must be exausted after everything I put it through at the end of last week and this past weekend. I missed my voice lesson with mr Michaels, tomorrow I should apologize.

Savi

Here are the rules:
1 -- Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 -- I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 -- You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 -- You'll include this explanation.
5 -- You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

My questions were asked by my sis catc10

1) your fandom/fanfiction of the moment is what? (Legend of the Skywalker doesn't count, jicyww.) Supernatural, Dexter, Bat Boy. I'm not reading anything new really, I'm re-reading some of the staples. Dethlove, To Honour Losses, Masks, etc. They've got to be really good for me to even like them. You know me, crack doesn't cut it.

2) Will you EVER get cracking on that Static Shock fiction? Well, if Legend of the Skywalker has taught me anything, it's that I really CAN try this whole writing thing. If I ever get the ending ironed out, then YES. I will write Static Shock fanfiction.

3) If you could only choose one: George Clooney or Antonio Banderas; why? ANTONIO BANDERAS. He aged better than Clooney.

4) Which of your teachers annoys you the most (even if you still love them in the end)? Currently? Um... Ninov. He's great, but there are times when his absolute adhereance to the rules just KILLS me.

5) ...uh...What do you want for Christmas? Because honestly, I'm shot for ideas there...

Uh, from you? I guess I'd be happy with something for the apartment. Cookbooks are nice. I could stand to have some kitchen things, like a rolling pin or proper measuring cups. A rug for inside the door? If you want to go a little less bland, hobby lobby stuff. Knitting books with cool/nice patterns. A subscription to vouge knitting? Maybe an iTunes giftcard. You know how I am about buying music, as in, I never do. I like shoes, and I'm looking for ankle boots. You can buy a tea set for me. I love my tea cup, and it would be nice if I could have nice cups like that for others, or a cute tea pot for display. Or maybe more travel mugs? I seem to leave mine at school sometimes, and that's inconvinient. You can buy supplies for our kitchen scrapbook. Need more ideas?

-- Savi

I've been possessed to actually participate in organized chaos. I'm writing a book this month, and I don't really know how to feel about that. I'm no writer, no one's ever told me that I'm a good story teller, exemplified by the fact that most of my stories end with, "You had to be there." But, I feel like maybe I really DO have at least some creative qualities that extend into the whole field of writing, because (With a little help from Catc10) I've created the bones of a story that might not be half bad. I've just finished the first chapter, and while I'm NOT going to be posting here for anyone to read yet, I'm feeling really good about the whole thing. So maybe things will be alright? I'm way (Read: WAY) behind in word count, but I feel that even IF I don't get all the words in this month, I like this story enough to finish it. I've never taken on a project like this, and I'm finding the challenge to be really entertaining, to say the least.

Other then that, ( this semester has been crazy )

Savi

Bri tagged me in this thing where I have to list seven quirks/facts/habits of mine, so here there are:

1. I love the fact that my apartment is generally clean at all times.
2. If everything goes perfectly, I will be getting out of college (For good) in five and a half years.
3. I know that I have the power to ruin at least one person's life.
4. Two words: Man Harem.
5. I look down on people when I think they're making huge, glaring, impossible to miss, mistakes. I feel validated when I'm right.
6. I'm not a morning person, at ALL. I'd rather stay up all night on three hours of sleep than wake up early when I don't have to.
7. I embelish my stories almost all of the time.

CLICK IT! PICTURE!!!

Not much to report in Savannah-land. Honestly, for as busy as I always am, I don't actually do all that much with my life.


This week was pretty intense. Monday went off like Mondays usually do, I saw Christine, Erin, and Chelsea next door grilling some fajitas in the afternoon just before leaving for seminar. Yummy! They told Bri and me to drop by when we got back home. So, we did. That was nice, because it was warm and wonderful. Closer to evening, we sat by the pool for a while. Erin has no shame, when Christine left to get something from the apartment, she had us look out for her, so she could take her top off when Christine got back. Christine was not amused, but it was a fun night anyway. Tried a new recipe that night too- A spicy-Jalepeno Pork sandwhich. I liked it, and we had enough for leftovers, so I took some to school on Tuesday for lunch.

Tuesday's classes passed by fairly uneventfully. Aerobics teacher felt the need to be a nazi. Leg-instensive stregth building excersizes with a few cardio interludes. I hurt so badly. Then I had a test in Communication, and that wasn't so bad, I spent a little of Monday night studying at Christian's, I think I passed with some pretty good grades on that. My last class, Aural, we also had a midterm sight-singing quiz. 19 points out of 20, so not too shabby! I probably shouldn't say, but I got one of my grad-student friends to tell me which melody we were singing. (To be fair to myself though, I didn't exactly press. He just kinda... told me. >.>     ...       <.<     .... ^-^! ) Anywho, my voice lesson was challenging this week. My troubles seem to stem from a history of choir. My chest voice and head voice have developed completely seperately, and now when I try to mix them together, I'm facing a brick wall. What little progress I make seems to dissappear moments after I'm out of my lesson, but it's something I need to master, so I'll keep working. Tuesday night I saw the concert band's performance. Very nice, ran into a lot of people, Matthew, Eddie, Ernie, and Melissa. I sat with Eddie, his brother plays trumpet. The concert itself sounded awesome, as it well should, because most of the music was very low-level. I don't think it was much of a challenge for anyone, middle-school stuff. It sounded good though, all of it belonged to the modern era, and was produced fairly recently. Bri made tamales when I got home, and that was nice, because I felt exausted. Wall- E in the DVD player, and I was out like a light. At one point during the movie, Chance came over to see the roomies, and he brought Zack and his new dog (A standard size brown poodle named Cowboy) with him. The roomies loved the dog, and a small turf war broke out. Disturbing the movie, but really, a lot of fun.

Today didn't fare much better. I had some disturbing nightmares, and woke up at five thirty. After a little while I convinced myself to go back to sleep, but I felt very uncomfortable for the rest of the night. So this morning, even after eight hours of sleep, I couldn't wake myself up. Stepping outside of my apartment for the first time sucked, ran right back inside to get a heavier jacket. 40 degrees, and just two days ago I enjoyed a pooside lounge. Christine and I nearly missed the bus, but the driver was nice, and waited for us and another kid. Classes passed uneventfully, test in Theory one, and there was only one thing I couldn't figure out, so maybe I got another A? I can only hope. I stopped by the coffee shop afterwards and lounged, met Mr. Michaels there. One of his student's didn't show for Tech, and because Wednesdays are his long days, he dropped by for a drink. We chatted for a few minutes, and he reminded me about my tech time. (Really, I totally forgot about it) and the day passed slowly. Sang in Seminar this afternoon, did alright. The same problems are still getting me, but during seminar, it felt more put together than the rest of my day. Not a total loss. Lambda after Seminar, and I finally got my dues in. (BOBCAT BALL!!! WOOO!!!) I'm beginning to suspect that Katrina likes me, and while she's really sweet, I don't feel anything for her except friendship. Too feminine, I guess. We spent a portion of today's meeting with the college democrats, talking about civil partnership legislation for Texas and in federal terms. It was interesting, but we'd had so little intro to it all that most of the Lambda kids (Like myself) stayed quiet throughout most of the meeting. Rushed to choir practice soon after that, and still arrived late to rehersal. I hadn't been in two weeks though, so I felt like I should put in the effort. Covered several songs, and the choir is sounding better every day. I'm not really a church-going person, but I like these people and the music is really nice, so good times. I got Bri from the apartment after rehersal for our weekly Johnny Rocket's run, and surprisingly they locked the doors a half an hour before close. Not to despair, we found another place to eat. Got home just after ten. Long day.

Some days I really wonder if anyone's interested in the mundane little aspects of my life I put in here.

Savi